#MonthlyPlaylist: September 2017

I like to keep it short & sweet for these. Let’s just give a bit of background to my music choicesfor this month before i go on to something else – something a bit “deeper,” if you will.

Not all these songs are old. Some are new. as you can see, they vary from “strip club anthem turn it up!!” (“Rake It Up” by Yo Gotti feat. Nicki Minaj) to empowering, assertive songs (“Blow Your Mind” & “New Rules” by Dua Lipa, “Watch Me” by Jaden Smith, & “Congratulations” by Post Malone feat. Quavo). Others are more emotional – let’s put “Sleepover” by Hayley Kiyoko, “Not Mine,” by Miquela (in love with her Instagram), “Sativa” by Jhene Aiko & Swae Lee, “Don’t Take The Money” by Bleachers (co-written by Lorde – fun fact!) & “Saturn Song” by Beach House. 

Anyways. This month was about me getting into my groove. It was about me accepting that I can be assertive & cocky while also being emotional & vulnerable. It was about me loving women & feeling good about it. It was about me going on adventures with myself. It was about me staying up late & thinking hard about things – some serious, others not so much. 

I’m getting into my groove. I’m getting into my groove. I feel more at peace with myself than I have in over a year. Typing that is incredible. I can’t believe I am typing that. Yet here we are. Here I am. 

Okay – I’ve talked too much, but I wrote something little about how I’ve been feeling this past month. I don’t know –  I’m a bit awkward with my “poetry” still (working on it) but I think it will get my point across in a succinct yet emotional way. Enjoy.

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A photo I took while on a walk, listening to this playlist. I always like to use photos I took in that month for my “playlist cover art.” It reminds me in even more detail about how I felt & what I was doing that past month.

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Listen to the playlist here. I wish you all a peaceful beginning of October.

Love,

Sof ❤

Diary: My August Was Different This Year, & My September Will Be, Too

August – the month of preparation, excitement, adrenaline! High school students don’t like it; college students are elated to get back to their home away from home.

I never liked high school & always kept myself busy with my violin, focusing on the fact that once I made i through high schoool, I’d be in school doing something I truly loved. My first two years of university were not easy, but I did them – despite being sick, being hospitalized, & dealing with some other personal issues not related to illness. Even though I’d often collapse at the end of the day, it was worth it – I loved every minute.

I’m writing this 2 days before the beginning of September. If I were “normal,” I’d be preparing my things, moving into my place, & getting ready for my courses. This semester, that’s not happening. I’ll be at home, trying to get stronger so that I can come back full-force in January.

I’m not going to lie; it’s been really hard. It’s been hard seeing people I know & love go to university for the very first time. I remember how excited I was, all the good times I had, how hard I worked – & I get sad & angry, because it’s not fair that I’m in this situation.

Seeing people get so excited about school also motivates me. It reminds me that university is the happy part of my education. Sure, I no longer can do what I was expecting to do – but there are infinite possibilities. I can take some of the time I have this fall to narrow some of those possibilities down.

Here’s some love for all the people who have been pushed down this fall – the chronically ill people who can’t make it back to school. I am sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s unfair to have your plans foiled by your own body.

I’m taking this opportunity to, yes, be sad…but I’m also trying to write more, listen to more music, go for longer walks. I’m taking an online class, & I’ll be keeping up my reading, too.

I’m allowed to be sad about this, because it sucks! I also have to remind myself that it is important I look ahead, too. If I don’t, I’ll just get stuck in a funk. Those are no fun to be in – even less fun than not being able to go to school.

I’m still a music-lover, I am still creative, I still love writing, reading, & I love the school I chose. This is just reboot time. It’s not okay, but it also is – & if I focus on the not okay parts of this, I’ll never feel positive about the situation.

So – love to all of you going away for the first time! You will have a tremendous time, filled with new people & new adventures. Love to all of you returning! I am sure you cannot wait to get back at it.

&, most of all, love to those who desperately want to go back this term, but simply cannot. You are taking care of your health, & it is not an easy thing to do. I love & appreciate you all, & I understand that it’s not ideal. But this reboot might save you – & me! – some serious pain & even hospitalizations down the road.

It’s going to be okay, even when the situation is not.

I love you all! Happy back to school.

Love,

Sof ❤

Gender? I Don’t Know A Gender!

Hello there! It's been a while since I've done a diary post. I figured I might as well update all of you!

Since I shaved my head, I've gotten called young man on the sidewalk a few times; I've been asked if I want different pronouns; I've been asked if I'm transitioning; I've been asked "are you a boy now?" or "what are you?"

Most of that was online, by the way. No, I haven't been approached by strangers in real life asking me what my gender identity is; I don't expect to, either! But I thought I might as well address some of the questions I've been getting quite frequently as of late.

Do you want different pronouns?/Do you not want to be called "she/her"?

You can call me whatever the heck you like! It really doesn't make a difference to me. In my mind – & me shaving my head (both this summer & last) helped me figure this out – I'm just Sof, I'm just doing my thing. How I identify can change & that's fine! I spent way too much time & energy agonizing over my sexuality/other identities. So: no, I don't WANT different pronouns. Wanna call me they, he, or she? Go for it! It won't offend me. You can call me pretty, you can call me handsome. In my mind, they both apply to me (sorry). & nothing has changed about me! I'm still the same person! In many ways I identify very strongly as a woman, particularly with issues surrounding reproductive rights. On the other hand, I don't always feel traditionally feminine or "girly" – & that is fine, too. So call me what you like! Doesn't matter.

Are you transitioning? Are you non-binary?

I am NOT transitioning. I am NOT on hormone therapy. I don't plan to do either. Am I non-binary? I'm just Sof. Sorry for all the vapid answers…but it really is how I feel!

Are you a boy now?

Nope!

What are you?

I'm me! I'm Sof. I change frequently – that goes for mood, attraction, appearance, & a whole lot of other things, too. It's something I beat myself up over – a LOT. It's something I've come to realize doesn't matter. Not to me, anyway – some people identify very strongly with a gender or sexuality & that is great & amazing & I support & uplift those who identify that way…it's just that I personally don't!

Also, I don't think this is me "coming out" or anything because I don't have anything to come out about. I'm truly, truly just Sof! I'm trying to make a mark in a few areas & make things better for some people. I like music & animals & taking care of my skin. In the end, it does not matter "what" people think I am. I am just me! I change a lot. & that is okay. If you feel that way, too…that's okay!!!!

This is all a bit up in the air; I think it's kind of hard to explain how I feel because it truly is very vapid for me. I'm better at skin care reviews. But if you want to watch a video of me talking about this, check it out here – & to update the end, yes, I did buy clippers, & yes, I shaved my own head 🙂

Love you all! Be yourselves, & label yourself the way you feel most comfortable – or don't label at all. That's cool, too.

And: Mama, if you're reading this…I'm still your daughter & baby girl. Don't worry!

Love,

Sof ❤