#TopTenSeries: Finale! Ten Things I Wish I’d Believed in Early 2017

Welcome my final piece of #TopTenSeries! It’s December 31 – so Happy New Year (Eve) – that means it’s time for my top tens to end. I thought I’d end it on a more personal note. This is more of a diary entry than a review post or an advice post.  It’s about how I got to the mental space that I’m in now: I’m not always happy, but I’m always happy to be alive. That’s a complete 180 from the beginning of this year. I was very depressed about my health, someon else’s health, my hands were starting to fall apart & I felt as though my life was, too. It was a dark, sad time, & I wish I could go back in time to January 2017 Sofia, just so I could tell her: it will be okay. 

Photographs by me!

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I can’t time travel, so this is the best thing I can do – here’s a list of the top ten pieces of advice I wish I’d known about/been ready to accept at that time.

  1. You will find joy & happiness in existing. I know that doesn’t seem remotely realistic right now – just keep that in your head. Be patient; I know it’s hard…but you will be able to live a happy life. You deserve that.
  2. Do not dangle your feet over the edge of that building. You have so much to show the world; you have so much time to express your true identity, be happy that you’re alive…don’t let that go. So many good things are coming.IMG_5604
  3. You will lose your ability to play violin at university – a career in violin performance is something you’ve dreamed of forever. For a little while, you will feel numb & angry; emotionless & depressed. Listen: your last concert will be the best one of your life. You sound beautiful. I can’t believe we did that with our hands, despite the arthritis making my fingers swell; despite my achey knees. It was worth it. I’m infinitely proud of the emotion you put into that. When watching that performance after it was taped, I knew that it was the best I’ve ever given. The most painful? Yes. Most beautiful? Yes. You’ll be crushed by this, but you will forever remember that concert.
  4. Keep making those little videos. They’ll get better in time. Film/photograph anything that you see beauty in.IMG_5595_Facetune_08-12-2017-17-27-05-1
  5. If they say your buzz cut doesn’t look good buzz it shorter. You will look incredible. Know your worth & beauty.
  6. You’re currently feeling confused & lost with who you were/are. You feel very lonely. You are afraid of the word lesbian. This will come easier in a while. I promise.
  7. It’s okay to like girls.IMG_5583
  8. Dance in your room, dance while you’re going on a walk, dance anywhere where there’s space. Dance down the street in a busy downtown if you must. It’s a magical feeling; you’ll feel very much yourself.
  9. Surround yourself with people who will stick by your side. It is okay to have chronically ill friends; in fact, it’s great! You don’t have to be friends with someone simply because they’re ill. You’ll find some great people who will be of great help to you; you’ll share a lot in common because you have the same interests. Chronic illness doesn’t have to be the root cause of any friendship – just know that if you find a chronically ill person you can relate to on many levels, it will be a beautiful friendship.IMG_5578-1
  10. You deserve to be alive. You deserve to feel proud of your identity. You are much more than your illness. No one can ever completely understand your situation…but keep your treasured people near you. They have & will continue to light up your life.

Happy New Year! Let’s make 2018 a good one. I’ll be optimistic this time. & please trust me: it will get better – it really will. It may become different, but it will get better.

Love,

Sofia