Diary #1: The Month of May

The point of this page is for me to kind of just dump out my thoughts, share some experiences, & talk about some things that help keep me moving & on track.

The month was quite laid back! (Physically, at least). I was home for this whole full month (home home, not university home) & have been trying to focus on my physical health, yes—but also my mental health, & what I can personally do to control it (or at least try to).

My latest goal has been trying to add actual daily activities that don’t involve material possessions to keep me in a relatively safe & healthy head-space.

For example, a few days ago, I took a video of me lip syncing Danke Schoen (yes, the Ferris Bueller song). I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when I re-watched it, I found myself smiling. Seeing my own face smile & watching my fingers snap cheered me. I’ve been trying to make little videos like that one every day for myself. Some of them, I share! Most I don’t (because it’s bad quality) but it’s nice for me to have that for myself, &, when I’m feeling like it, share it for others to see & hopefully cheer them up too.

As I write this, I’ll have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow morning to discuss options for me. That really sucks, & I am a bit scared because I have no idea what the results will be (don’t wanna get into details!).

Regardless, me writing, listening to music, creating new ideas, listening to my own thoughts (& responding to them) has kept me grounded for the most part.

I am so, so, SO grateful for my new projects keeping me busy. Having ended my pursuits of violin performance, I can now put all the creative energy & time I expelled into my first passion into other creative outlets—and that’s amazing. I am thankful to my 15 years of practice, concentration, & hard work (a must for making it in the music world) to keep me busy, inspired, & always striving for perfection.

Am I perfect? Far from. There is lots I need to work on; lots I need to fix; a few things I need to just let go of.

Every time I recognize my flaws & the existence of my illness, however, I know that with this website, I have the possibility to talk with chronically ill girls about our passions & interests, exchange grief, sorrow, & funny stories. I can show all of you that while I’m focusing on growing as an individual, I can also work hard & get rewards. I have exciting things coming; things that prove to me that I am more than my illness, as well as more than my violin.

I have been working. Extremely hard. I think it’ll pay off. The people I have been working with have all been so kind, supportive, & loving. I see all your responses to my social media material. They mean the absolute world to me.

Despite the (slowly) blooming love I have in my chest, there’s still a lot of bitterness I hold in my heart. I keep reminding myself that although the people I am bitter towards deserve to be thought of in a negative way…the only person truly being affected by this bitterness is myself. & what good does that do me?

In two weeks, I will no longer be a teenager! This is not where I expected to see myself at 20 years old. In fact, 18-year-old me would never believe that I’d be writing this post about my illness for the public to see. That makes me very proud.

So, let’s go, June. I have 3 more full months at home, & I can’t wait to see what I’ll do with them. Lip sync videos? Laying on the grass on a hot day letting the wind tickle my hair? Slowly becoming more at peace with myself & the things/peope around me? I’ll take it. Simple, but good. Simple & peaceful. Simple & me.

Love,

Sof ❤

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