#MonthlyPlaylist: May 2017

For about a year now, I’ve been making playlists for every month. January 2017, February 2017, & so on. 

I am a very musical person, & always will be. My taste is pretty eclectic–I don’t turn down any genre (unless it’s country, in which case–sorry, no), & so my playlists vary from month to month, from song to song, & are a great way for me to bring back specific memories. Like: “Oh! “First Kiss” by Safakash reminds me of being in Colorado last July, riding a gondola up a mountain & seeing a mound of snow in mid-summer!” Some songs are for specific memories; some just trigger feelings that I had around that time. Either way, it’s a great way for me to document my feelings in a way that isn’t writing, & also a great opportunity for me to share what I have been listening to lately!

This month has some real oldies, as well as the newest of the new. Harry Styles’ album, inspired by a lot of older English artists, gave me the motivation to go back & listen to a few of not only Styles’ favorites, but my favorite English performers, as well. 

The image I put for this month’s playlist was one I discovered when roaming my university town. I like looking at street art, & this photograph especially caught my eye. I immediately added the song to my “May 17” playlist. I hope you like it as much as I do!


Sof ❤ 

May 17
  1. Meet Me in the Hallway – Harry Styles
  2. Blue Light – Mazzy Star
  3. Love – Lana del Rey
  4. By Your Side – The 1975
  5. Heavenfaced – The National
  6. Good Girls – LANY
  7. Things I Know – Kweku Collins, Kipp Stone
  8. Get You (feat. Kali Uchis) – Daniel Caesar, Kali Uchis
  9. Redbone – Childish Gambino
  10. Same Drugs – Chance The Rapper
  11. Love Galore – SZA, Travis Scott
  12. Slippery (feat. Gucci Mane) – Migos, Gucci Mane
  13. Passionfruit – Drake
  14. BTSU (Demo) – Jai Paul
  15. The Other Side Of Paradise – Glass Animals
  16. Am I a Girl? Am I a Boy? Do I Really Care? – In Love With a Ghost
  17. Soldier of Love – Sade
  18. Drown In My Own Tears – Ray Charles
  19. Good Man – Raphael Saadiq
  20. Mr. Brightside – The Killers
  21. Kiwi – Harry Styles
  22. Strangers – Halsey, Lauren Jauregui
  23. Dreaming – Winter
  24. La vie en rose – Edith Piaf
  25. Come On Eileen – Dexys Midnight Runners
  26. Wouldn’t It Be Nice – The Beach Boys
  27. Sleepwalk – Santo & Johnny

Diary #1: The Month of May

The point of this page is for me to kind of just dump out my thoughts, share some experiences, & talk about some things that help keep me moving & on track.

The month was quite laid back! (Physically, at least). I was home for this whole full month (home home, not university home) & have been trying to focus on my physical health, yes—but also my mental health, & what I can personally do to control it (or at least try to).

My latest goal has been trying to add actual daily activities that don’t involve material possessions to keep me in a relatively safe & healthy head-space.

For example, a few days ago, I took a video of me lip syncing Danke Schoen (yes, the Ferris Bueller song). I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when I re-watched it, I found myself smiling. Seeing my own face smile & watching my fingers snap cheered me. I’ve been trying to make little videos like that one every day for myself. Some of them, I share! Most I don’t (because it’s bad quality) but it’s nice for me to have that for myself, &, when I’m feeling like it, share it for others to see & hopefully cheer them up too.

As I write this, I’ll have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow morning to discuss options for me. That really sucks, & I am a bit scared because I have no idea what the results will be (don’t wanna get into details!).

Regardless, me writing, listening to music, creating new ideas, listening to my own thoughts (& responding to them) has kept me grounded for the most part.

I am so, so, SO grateful for my new projects keeping me busy. Having ended my pursuits of violin performance, I can now put all the creative energy & time I expelled into my first passion into other creative outlets—and that’s amazing. I am thankful to my 15 years of practice, concentration, & hard work (a must for making it in the music world) to keep me busy, inspired, & always striving for perfection.

Am I perfect? Far from. There is lots I need to work on; lots I need to fix; a few things I need to just let go of.

Every time I recognize my flaws & the existence of my illness, however, I know that with this website, I have the possibility to talk with chronically ill girls about our passions & interests, exchange grief, sorrow, & funny stories. I can show all of you that while I’m focusing on growing as an individual, I can also work hard & get rewards. I have exciting things coming; things that prove to me that I am more than my illness, as well as more than my violin.

I have been working. Extremely hard. I think it’ll pay off. The people I have been working with have all been so kind, supportive, & loving. I see all your responses to my social media material. They mean the absolute world to me.

Despite the (slowly) blooming love I have in my chest, there’s still a lot of bitterness I hold in my heart. I keep reminding myself that although the people I am bitter towards deserve to be thought of in a negative way…the only person truly being affected by this bitterness is myself. & what good does that do me?

In two weeks, I will no longer be a teenager! This is not where I expected to see myself at 20 years old. In fact, 18-year-old me would never believe that I’d be writing this post about my illness for the public to see. That makes me very proud.

So, let’s go, June. I have 3 more full months at home, & I can’t wait to see what I’ll do with them. Lip sync videos? Laying on the grass on a hot day letting the wind tickle my hair? Slowly becoming more at peace with myself & the things/peope around me? I’ll take it. Simple, but good. Simple & peaceful. Simple & me.


Sof ❤

What The Heck Is An Essence?

Until a few months ago, I’d never heard of essences.

Until a few weeks ago, I rolled my eyes at the concept of their effectiveness.

Now, I’m on the essence train.

So, what is an essence? Well, it originates from Korea, the magical land of 7-step hydrating routines (aka, probably perfect for my dry, sensitive skin without even knowing much more). An essence is not a toner. A toner is used directly after cleansing your skin, meant to complete the cleanse, get rid of any remaining impurities, & prepare your skin for additional steps. They’re usually water-based, & they’re usually meant to hydrate & sooth the skin (prime example: my holy grail toner, Mario Badescu Facial Spray With Aloe, Herbs, & Rosewater).

So, okay. An essence isn’t a toner. Is it a serum?

Nope. A serum is much more highly concentrated than an essence. They usually come in smaller sizes, & are meant to be massaged gently into your skin. There are a whole variety of serums: hydrating, clarifying, brightening, soothing, so on & so on (some of my favorites are the Glossier Super Pack–shop here with me!–which, as a trio, hydrate, brighten, & clarify; the Drunk Elephant C-Firma Day Serum, which is meant to brighten & plump the skin, & The Ordinary Lactic Acid 5%, meant to clarify & make skin more transluscent).

So, the conclusion you’ve probably come to at this point is that an essence is something between a toner & a serum. You’d be correct! Kind of. But it’s also its own thing. Just know that I’m really here for it.

Essence is best-suited for dry/sensitive skin types, because it provides the skin with an extra layer of hydration. Essence should be applied with a technique unique (hah) from toners or serums: you’re supposed to pat or press it into your face with your hands, starting at your chin, moving upwards (always apply products in upwards motions, so you don’t drag down your skin). Here’s what SokoGlam, (an online marketplace specializing in Korean beauty products) has to say about applying essence: “Korean women are all about tapping when applying anything on their face. Why? Rubbing your face like you’re windex-ing a window is not the recommended technique. They recommend tapping because it enhances absorption. FYI – it sounds like this, “TOK TOK TOK.” Try it!” (x)

So, when Saturday Skin sent me a PR package (!!!) filled with a bunch of cool things, like their amazing eye cream, lightweight moisturizer, & a small sample of….”Freeze Frame Beauty Essence“….I paused. Finally, essence was in my possession. I had no choice but to give it a go.

Saturday Skin Freeze Frame Beauty Essence

I researched application tips, & had a go at it. I applied the essence after toner, & before any serums or oils. I used the “tok tok tok” tip provided by SokoGlam. Then, I waited.

Within a few days, I could see my skin looking more moisturized, brighter, plumper, & firmer. My sample was dwindling, so I hurredly placed an order for the same essence by Saturday Skin, while looking for some cheaper (but just as good) alternatives.

I came across an article on Into The Gloss, entitled: Things We Finish: Dr. Jart Ceramidin Liquid. I’d heard of Dr. Jart, & already loved their color correcting Tiger Grass cream, as well as their sunscreen. In short, I was already a fan of Dr. Jart, so it didn’t take much to sell me on this one.

Writer Casey Zhang describes the product as “lightweight…I also like the smell a lot–it has a light herbal fragrance, almost medicinal but in a good way…the main point is that my face feels hydrated, brightened, and sans any flaky cracked patches.”

Well, that sounded good enough for me. Also: $39 for 5 fluid oz.??? I had to double check a few times. Most other essences I had looked at were at least $50. At least.

My ceramidin baby arrived today, & after patting it into the back of my hand after I excitedly opened the package, I saw a difference in about 5 minutes. My skin looked firmer, brighter, more transluscent–very similar to the Saturday Skin one, except a good deal cheaper.

Sorry, Saturday Skin! I love you, I LOVE your eye cream, & I love the bottle of essence I got from you this time around. But when I run out, I think Dr. Jart stole my heart with this one. Welcome home, Ceramidin. Welcome, eternally hydrated skin.

Ceramidin’s new home on my top shelf. Feat. $11 Jade Roller from Amazon (!) Saturday Skin Freeze Frame Beauty Essence, Glossier Milky Jelly Cleanser, (of course) & my holy grail toner, by Mario Badescu. Oh…& a few other things, too. Of course. 


Sof ❤

Interested in trying out the Saturday Skin Freeze Frame Essence? Here’s $10 off a $50 purchase at Peach & Lily. So your wallet doesn’t cry too loudly. 

#TopShelfie: What I Love, What I Hate, and What I Make an “Eh” Sound About

I first posted my Into The Gloss-inspired #TopShelfie on Instagram and Tumblr, but decided to make a more in-depth post about it on here! This covers some new products I have been trying out lately as well as some old favs/holy grails! Yes–some of them will be Glossier…of course. But I’ve got a lot of other things too 🌤so go ahead and take a peek!

(P.S. some products pictured in my #TopShelfie won’t be talked about here, & some products that aren’t pictured in my #TopShelfie will be talked about here. I’ve provided links to all the products, & there are some discounts at the bottom for all of you! <3)

  • Glossier Milky Jelly Cleanser – I have to start off with this product. Other than Balm Dotcom, it’s the first Glossier product I gave a go. I was extremely skeptical of a “non-foaming cleanser” a year ago…but it’s stood the test of time, & countless bottles later, my skin is clearer, softer, & always smells slightly of flowers. I always have loved it, I always will, & I can’t live without it. The non-foaming formula actually saved my sensitive skin–most foaming cleansers strip my dry skin of any moisture– & I continue to sing its praises even though I’ve already recommended it so many times.
  • Mario Badescu Facial Spray with Aloe, Herbs, & Rosewater – this is truly the holy grail of toners for me–AND it’s so so so inexpensive compared to most other toners. I love it so so much; I’ve tried a lot of toners but honestly, this one has to be the best. I don’t think I’ll ever find a better one. I have the big size, the normal size, & the tiny tiny travel size. It’s also a great way to keep cool during the summer–I just spritz it all over my face when I’m feeling a bit sticky.
  • Milk Makeup Matcha Solid Toner – so apparently this is the world’s first solid toner, which is pretty cool! It pairs with a matcha cleanser as well (you have to buy them separately). I personally wouldn’t use the cleanser daily as it’s a bit too exfoliating for my sensitive skin…but I LOVE the toner. It majorly reduces redness (most green tea products do) & both are great options for traveling because they’re solid so you avoid the whole TSA inconvienience.
  • Saturday Skin Wide Awake Brightening Eye Cream – i have dark circles but don’t mind those; i DO mind that i wake up with puffy eyes & literally the first day i tried this & woke up looked in the mirror the puffiness was gone. it worked right away for me, no waiting period! Love, love, LOVE. Saturday Skin kindly sent this to me, but I already know I will be purchasing one myself when this one runs out!
  • Dr Jart+ Cicapair Tiger Grass Color Correcting Treatment with SPF 30 – I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It was a splurge for me…but I don’t really like the feel of face makeup anymore; this is the perfect thing for people who don’t like that feeling. I little goes a very long way, so it’ll last me a good while. It looks green in the container, but adjusts to your skin tone when you apply it on your face, kind of like a CC cream. It’s especially great for getting rid of redness, & also has SPF 30 in it….major bonus for my extremely sun-sensitive skin. It smells like freshly mown grass, which some may find odd, but I really like it! for those who do like face makeup, but also like to color correct, this can be used under makeup too! It’s very multipurpose.
  • Anese Slay Serum – I have only used this ONCE. Just once. I woke up the next morning with incredible glowy dewy skin. It’s super hydrating & very concentrated. You probably need only 2-3 drops for your whole face.
  • Glossier Invisible Shield Sunscreen SPF 35 – Yup, the one everyone’s been yelling bout! I don’t care…my skin loves it & so do I. I have had no problems & have been using it almost daily for a good 14-16 days now. I think chemical sunscreen scares a lot of people, just like the word “acid” does. Neither are necessarily harmful! It’s about different formulations & different ingredients. Some prefer chemical, some prefer physical. I like both, as long as they don’t break me out, or leave a white, sticky cast. This one does neither. It sinks into my skin very well–so well that I feel like it could double as a primer! Overall, a 9/10. The only thing I have to say is that I wish it’d last a bit longer. (For those who prefer a physical sunscreen, see the next two products)
  • Dr Jart+ Every Sun Day UV Sunscreen SPF 50 – This is a physical sunscreen–so for those of you who aren’t interested in chemical ones, it’s a great option; it doesn’t leave a white cast on me (although…keep in mind I’m very pale, so it might leave one on others with deeper skin tones) & doesn’t smell sunscreen-y. It does contain titanium dioxide & zinc, which is normal for a physical sunscreen. If your skin doesn’t like those ingredients obviously stay away!
  • Glossier Super Pure Serum – Another holy grail. I will never stop buying this. It’s my favorite thing to use in the morning, since I often wake up with redness around my nose. This gets rid of it very quickly, & also reduces breakouts/maintains my skin’s clarity. Love!
  • Drunk Elephant C-Firma Day Serum – Okay. This one’s super expensive. A friend who didn’t like the smell gave it to me (I really don’t mind products that have an odd smell as long as they do the job!) & I tried it a couple days in a row. The first day, I got a little irritation since it’s SUPER concentrated (most Drunk Elephant serums are) but by day 3 my skin was brighter, firmer, & more glowy. Like I said, I got this for free! But i am seriously considering buying it myself once I run out. Also: a little goes a long way because like I said, it’s super concentrated. (P.S.: the smell i can only describe as being kind of smoky? That’s weird to say but if you want more detail about it I’d read Sephora reviews or Drunk Elephant website reviews about it!)
  • Drunk Elephant T.L.C. Sukari Babyfacial – Also expensive. This was the first Drunk Elephant product I purchased…but boy am I glad I did. This lives up to all of the hype it has. I’d never heard of “masques” (aka a treatment for any skin condition you want to take care of, usually made up of ingredients like clay, algae, essential oils, carrier oils, herbs and vitamins) before this one, & so of course I got a sample from Sephora before purchasing (with a discount) from the actual Drunk Elephant website (hack-if you use the code at the end of this post, you’ll be able to get this $80 product for $65). After two uses, I was hooked. The Babyfacial makes your skin softer, smoother, & gets rid of bumps & texture. It burns a bit when you apply it, but that’s totally normal. You’re only supposed to use it once a week, since it’s high in AHA levels. (This also makes you more sensitive to sun, so make sure!!!! You use sunscreen when using a product like Babyfacial) Anyway…I will absolutely be repurchasing & repurchasing the Babyfacial. It’s a unique product that works extremely well for all skin types.
  • The Ordinary Lactic Acid 5% – SUPER cheap. I love this because i got one of the 100 point Sephora samples of the Sunday Riley Good Genes lactic acid treatment & really liked it…buuuutttt didn’t have $125 to drop on the product. So, I did some research & found The Ordinary’s lactic acid. They also have a 10% version, but they recommend you start with 5%, even if you don’t have sensitive skin. I really like what it’s done for my skin. It helps retexturize & clarify, just like the Good Genes! It does have a weird smell (someone said it smelled like burned plastic; but like I’ve said, I don’t mind a smell as long as it works) & can be a bit tacky on your face. It can also can be a bit drying, so I definitely recommend you use a GOOD moisturizer afterwards. Overall?? I really, really like it & it’s helped me out a lot. It just makes my skin more transluscent & clear. I’m considering trying the 10% version once my 5% is out! We shall seeeeeee.
  • Glossier Priming Moisturizer Rich – Cannot live without it. You’ve all heard me scream about it God knows how many times. As it got warmer & more humid, I was worried it was going to clog my pores like a lot of richer creams do. Nope! Still works well, still reduces redness. I love my PMR!
  • Sunday Riley U.F.O. Ultra-Clarifying Face Oil – This product has a special place in my heart. It’s the first truly expensive skincare product I ever purchased. Granted, it was purchased with Christmas money, but still. I’d been complaining to a friend about the condition of my skin, & she immediately sent me a link to the UFO. I almost had a heart attack over the price, but I tried a few Sephora samples & finally caved. It was worth it. Super clarifying, smells like a forest, is bright green (which is cool) & clarifies your skin without burning it or drying it out. Another great fact: Sephora started selling a smaller size for $45 as well as the full size which is $80. If you’re unsure about the product, go for the smaller size. It’ll still last you forever (I’m not even half done with mine) & you won’t be dumping a pile of money on a product you’re not sure about. As of late, it’s known to be used by Harry Styles. So…I mean……if that isn’t reason to buy it…..not sure what is.
  • Origins Super Spot Remover – I always whine about spot treatments claiming to work overnight when they actually don’t. For me, this one really does work overnight. The bottle/vial is small for a $15 product, but you only need a tiny tiny drop. I feel like it’ll last a long time. Besides, if it works overnight, I’m happy to spend $15 on it.
  • Origins A Perfect World SPF 40 Age Defense Moisturizer With White Tea – It is classified as an age defense moisturizer,  so you probably don’t NEED it if you’re a young person. However, this was sent to me by Origins so I decided to give it a try. Initially, I was a little iffy about it since it’s a cream PLUS an SPF which could potentially make it heavy, sticky, or both. However, I’ve used it overnight a multiple times by now & haven’t had any issues with breakouts. The smell is also very fresh, almost therapeutic, which I really like! I was also doubtful about using it in the day time, as it seemed kind of heavy for day. At the same time, however, I felt like it is INTENDED for the day since it contains SPF. I didn’t know what to feel about it, but gave it a go. No complaints, no breakouts. It’s not my absolute favorite cream ever, but I like that it didn’t feel heavy or sticky during the day or night, & it’s a great option for when you don’t feel like adding the sunscreen step to your routine.
  • CLĒ Cosmetics Oxygen Foam CleanserI love this for the evening. This is seriously the only foaming cleanser I can use without feeling like my skin has been stripped of all its moisture. It’s very soothing & I like watching it bubble up on my face! I don’t know how they managed to make such a soothing cleanser that was also foaming, but they certainly did that. I thought they sold all of CLĒ at Ulta, but they don’t sell this cleanser; just their other cleanser which is a non-foaming one. However, you can buy the Oxygen Foam Cleanser on CLĒ’s website, as well as a bunch of other really cute cosmetics (most of them with SPF inclusion, which is great) so I highly recommend checking them out!
  • Tonymoly Makgeolli Sheet Masks – I really don’t have a problem with any of the Tonymoly masks because they all work very well. However, when I want my skin to clear up, these always have my back. Their rice sheet masks are also clarifying, but the makgeoli version works best for me! It makes my skin more transluscent, doesn’t dry me out, & reduces redness. Magic, & super cheap.
  • Origins Retexturizing Mask with Rose Clay – another magical Origins product. I got the travel size one as a 100 point Sephora reward, and I cannot wait to run out & purchase the full-size as soon as my mini runs out. This is very similar to the Lush Rosy Cheeks face mask, since both reduce redness & irritation. This one, however, I like just a little bit more. Something about the slightly exfoliating texture makes my skin about 100 times softer after I remove it. I always feel refreshed, soft, & free of irritation or redness after using this baby.
  • Glossier Mask Duo – my last two cents (for now). I love this mask duo, especially in the summer. It has everything that you might need for summer skin, all contained in two masks. The first one, the Mega Greens Galaxy Pack, is a clay mask that reduces redness, clarifies skin, & detoxifies–described as a juice cleanse for your face. The second, the Moisturizing Moon Mask, is my favorite summer mask. I especially love it chilled in my fridge–it provides an extra boost of coolness, & it smells absolutely amazing: kind of like fresh yogurt (in the best way possible. I don’t even like yogurt that much but this smells amazing to me). The best hack for this mask? Chill it in your fridge, apply it before you step in the shower, & bask in a cooling mask & a steamy shower. Amazing. Oh, & it plumps your skin. Oh, & you can use it as a sleeping mask, too. Okay. I’m done.

I promised you discounts, & here they are! 20% off Drunk Elephant (you need. the. baby. facial), 20% off Anese, $10 off Peach & Lily (get the Saturday Skin Eye Cream!!!!) & $10 off the Tonymoly website (literally any & all of their sheet masks are good).

And, of course, I would absolutely love it if you shopped with me at Glossier. You can see my favorites, my cute (and a bit awkward) video, & get some good skin stuff..and good makeup stuff. Just good stuff in general.

My first “skin care” post on here, but many more to come! Comment & tell me what you’d like to see, or what your favorite/holy grail products are! Or tell me what you think I should try next that I would love! Just comment.

Next Time, Just Say You Like My Swimsuit

When I was first diagnosed with severe Crohn’s Disease, I was extremely ashamed of my diagnosis and did everything in my power to hide it from strangers, acquaintances, & even friends or family members. This is because chronic illness, particularly an IBD, has a lot of stigma in society. They’re not talked about, and there are few public figures (if any) who are open about their struggles with Crohn’s/colitis/other forms of IBD.

It took two full years of struggling with myself to be completely & unapologetically open about what conditions I have. I would now consider myself a chronic illness advocate. I try to be the girl I wish I’d seen when I was first diagnosed: someone who, although is open about her chronic illness(es) also shares her other interests, whatever they may be. Someone who is chronically ill, yes, but also a young woman, an artist/musician/student/doctor/etc. That’s what I’m trying to do for chronically ill young women now.

I have found a lot of young women & girls on the internet who relate to me just as much as I relate to them. I try to create a community for all of us to share problems, jokes, & stories.

I also find people on the internet who have no idea what my illness is—and that’s okay. I want to tell them about it, so that they can be more aware. Crohn’s Disease affects as many as 1.6 million Americans, according to the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation, but until I was diagnosed with the condition, I had absolutely no idea what Crohn’s Disease was. I hadn’t even heard the words. They meant nothing to me. Now, I want to educate those who aren’t affected by the disease themselves, while also making myself a relatable figure for other chronically ill girls who aren’t as comfortable being open with their illnesses (& that’s okay!!).

Of course, I still struggle with my own body image issues—what young woman doesn’t, after all? Body image issues are particularly rampant among chronically ill girls & young women, who often gain/lose weight due to various medications or symptoms, may not be able to walk “normally,” or need to rely on some sort of aid, such as a chair or cane—and so on. In my case, I struggle to gain & maintain weight. I am at an unsafe weight & an unsafe BMI. I know it, my doctor knows it, my family knows it, my friends know it—and all my social media followers know it. I have as of late been extraordinarily open about my body image issues, my struggle to gain weight, my eternal flip-flopping between getting admitted for TPN or not, & so on & so on. I have gotten amazing support from family, friends, & strangers on the internet who have been through similar situations. I appreciate every single one of them.

However, I get a lot of commentary about my weight on the internet. It doesn’t offend me, per say—but it disturbs me. Sometimes I’ll get anonymous messages like: “You look anorexic.” “You have bulimia, don’t you?” or the classic: “Skinny bitch.” Well, I am neither anorexic nor bulimic. However—those shouldn’t be used as insults. Anorexia & bulimia are serious, life-threatening illnesses that affect the body & the mind—& are not to be sneezed at. As for being a skinny bitch—I am skinny, & I never deny that! Messages like that make me laugh. I know I’m skinny! I know I’m underweight! People like that are just being hateful. They’re trying to make me hate the body that I am in. I refuse to let them do that to me.

I am conscious of my weight (or lack thereof). However, I no longer slouch into big sweatshirts and try to make myself smaller. I will wear a crop top when I want. I post a picture of myself in a bikini. When I feel good about myself, sometimes I let the internet know. Sometimes I don’t. But I refuse to let strangers take away the love that I still have for my body, despite all the hell it has taken me through.

Is this groundbreaking? No, probably not. I am a white, young woman who is very thin. If I were taller, I could perhaps categorize as a runway model (which leads into another discussion about how most runway models are so clearly underweight). However, it is the fact that I am chronically ill, & that I am this thin because of my illness(es) that makes it a topic that I believe should be further shared & discussed.

Just the other day, it was 85 degrees out. I found my cute American Apparel bikini from two years ago in the back of my closet. I asked my sister to take a picture of me laying on our driveway, with my sunglasses on, pretending I was on a beach (she kindly obliged). I posted it without a thought.

A few hours later, I got this comment:


It’s a comment I see over, & over, & over again on any of my photographs that expose my stomach, legs, or full body.

I know it’s meant kindly. That’s why I never lash out. I recognize that my underweight body is a part of societies screwed up idea of what a woman should look like. That is wrong. As you can see in my comment, I am far from healthy—partly because of my Crohn’s Disease, but also because of my extremely low weight & medications.

However, it makes me uncomfortable when someone comments: “I wish I were you” or “Goals!” on a picture of my body. Again—I know it’s meant to be a compliment, but I’d much rather “you look beautiful,” “what a lovely photograph!” or even “love the swimsuit!”

When you tell me that you wish my body was yours, I immediately think of the countless hospitalizations; the infusions; the chemo pills that make me sick to my stomach; the fact that the inflammation in my body from my Crohn’s Disease has led to me developing inflammatory arthritis in my hands, feet, & knees; the fact that I am facing a possible surgery in the next month; the fact that I may live a shorter life because of these things.

This, of course, won’t stop me from posting more pictures of my body. When I feel cute, I know it. When I feel sexy, I know it. I have bad body days, too. That’s okay. But I won’t let comments on the internet dictate what or when I post. I’m here to educate people who are not chronically ill, & (hopefully) be someone that other chronically young women can look up to.

Goal of this?

Next time you see a woman or girl who has a body you’re envious of, try to refrain from saying you wish you looked like her, or that you wish that you were her—especially if she is chronically ill (& open about it). You never know what someone is going through, and there are so many ways in which women can support one another! Wishing we were someone else isn’t one of them. Next time, when you’re scrolling through Instagram, stick to the heart eye emoji when you comment on her bikini picture.

nice to meet you!

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“Exam Table Hospital Glam” University of Chicago Hospital. March 2017. 


In case you don’t already know who I am (aka have come from Instagram, Tumblr, or Twitter) it’s very nice to meet you! My name is Sof. I’m almost 20 years old, I’m an arts student, a cat lover, a fan of almost any kind of music, a skin care aficionado–and oh yeah! I am chronically ill.

I was diagnosed in 2015 at the age of 17 (almost 18) with severe Crohn’s Disease. In case you don’t know what Crohn’s Disease is (& many people don’t–even though it affects as many as 1.6 million Americans, according to the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America) it is an inflammatory autoimmune disease that affects your gastric path–basically your whole digestive tract. The symptoms and severity vary. Mine is pretty severe. Some of my symptoms include internal bleeding, chronic pain, nausea, inflammatory arthritis (because of all the inflammation in my body) a struggle to gain weight, & difficulty absorbing nutrients, just to name a few.

My disease was something I was very ashamed of for a long, long time. It has taken me two years to come to terms with the fact that I will be sick for the rest of my life. That’s not an easy thing to come to terms with! Sometimes, I still have difficulty accepting it. But the thing that I’m trying to do now is step up & speak out for other chronically ill young women & girls. Let me explain:

When I was first diagnosed, I frantically searched the internet for someone, anyone that was a public figure/social media person that had my illness–but also talked about their interests, their life, & so many other things. I simply couldn’t find it. There was no one out there like that. This sucked. I felt extremely alone & isolated. I felt that since no one was talking about their illness, that meant it was something to be ashamed of. And so, I hid my illness from as many people as I could.

It took a long time of self-reflection, tears, & a whole lot of other junk for me to decide that I was fed up with being repressed & silent! I decided that I wanted to become the girl that I wished I’d seen when I was first diagnosed. That’s the first reason why I’m here. I’ll be talking about chronic illness, how it affects my personal life & relationships, & try to help other chronically ill girls come to terms with their illnesses/disabilities.

However–I don’t want this “blog” to be all about my illness, because I am so, so, SO much more than that, you guys! I am a writer, I love skin care, I love music, I love warm weather, I stay up way too late watching movies, I am a proud member of the LGBT community, I am in a happy & loving relationship! I’m not here to just talk about my illness. I really hope that you healthy people come read my stuff, too–because this isn’t just about my illness. I want to show that while I am chronically ill, yes, I am much, MUCH more than a patient; a silent body on an exam table. I am fashionable, I am confident, I am passionate about so many things! And I want to share my thoughts with all of you.

Stay tuned for much, much more! I am very excited to introduce myself to all of you. I have so much love for those of you who’ve followed me through other social media platforms for the past two years (hello Tumblr & Instagram!) & I hope that you’ll follow my journey on here.

I’m ready to expand, ready to be very much me, very much SOF! & I hope you’ll join me, and find some amazing content on here that you can relate to.

Love Love Love!

Sof ❤